18 and Pregnant (Part One)

I didn't think I would fall pregnant. More to the point, I didn't think I could have any children. I'd already been through too much and babies were far from on the brain. So when I found out I was overwhelmed. I had so many emotions. Shock, sadness, guilt even. I took the test and cried. I'd already had a poor upbringing, how am I supposed to guarantee my child would be brought up right when it never experienced good parenting first hand nor been old enough or mature enough to recognise it? So safe to say, I went out to the park and smoked three or four cigarettes one after the other. I had decided an abortion was the best option given I wasn't ready to be a mother. The thought frightened me because I automatically thought I would be exactly like my own mother making my child suffer mentally though not physically.

I'd planned everything. The clinic to take the tablet. But I was too far along for that. And then later on that week whilst taking a bath I found I had two heartbeats. When people say they can feel their heart breaking and it makes their eyes water with tears and their stomach churn with pain, that's what it felt like. And I wasn't sure I could live with one heart beat knowing I had killed off the other to build a better life for the next if I was to be blessed with such a beauty from God himself.

Weeks went on and the more I thought the worse I felt. Thoughts like, "I'm going to make my child suffer." "I'm going to turn out like my mother," "I have nothing to give; no money, no promises nothing but love," but my partner was beginning to think otherwise. He could see a future and opportunities of there being three of us as opposed to just me and him. The thought of losing our child brought panic attacks and anxiety to the point that everyday he would ask me, "What's your decision?" Given he had promised me he would stick by me regardless of whatever decision I would make, setting aside his thoughts and feelings because he loves me and supports me. Something that had the tables been turned I know I wouldn't have the strength to do.

I had booked an abortion appointment and told my sixth form given it meant I would have to take the day off of school and decided against it. Teachers were asking me, "Why aren't you at your appointment?" Knowing full well what it was for. I couldn't even muster a word but somehow managed to utter, "I decided against it." As I said those words I saw that vast glimmer of disappointment in their eyes that I knew only too well from my own mother. "But you were so adamant about going uni," I kept my mouth shut for fear that how I felt would trip my stomach acid and I'd end up vomiting everywhere. That comment made me angry; who said I wasn't going to accomplish what I set out to accomplish?