Another Fatherless Child

I didn't think I would fall pregnant. More to the point, I didn't think I could have any children. I'd already been through too much and babies were far from on the brain. So when I found out I was overwhelmed. I had so many emotions. Shock, sadness, guilt even. I took the test and cried. I'd already had a poor upbringing, how am I supposed to guarantee my child would be brought up right when it never experienced good parenting first hand nor been old enough or mature enough to recognise it? So safe to say, I went out to the park and smoked three or four cigarettes one after the other. I had decided an abortion was the best option given I wasn't ready to be a mother. The thought frightened me because I automatically thought I would be exactly like my own mother making my child suffer mentally though not physically. I'd planned everything. The clinic to take the tablet. But I was too far along for that. And then later on that week whilst taking a bath I found I...

I'm sick of being the one that's hurt. The one that's seen, The one that's learnt when everything around me is just so wrong. I'm sick of being the one that sees, the one that hears such words of these whilst remembering that everything is gone Do you see what I feel? Do you feel what I see? because within me something is missing. I'm sick of shedding tears, the one that's scared. the one that fears whilst to me life is such bitter ice. I'm sick of being the one that besotted, the one that always seems forgotten, because your actions are my knife. Do you see what I feel? Do you feel what I see? because within me something is missing. I wrote this aged 14 years old. 

Everybody judges my book by its cover, on the outside I'm happy but underneath I suffer. With memories of pain, hatred and sorrow and thoughts of 'maybe not tomorrow' If there's one things I've learnt its that no-one cares and they'll never feel the same unless they get to feel this scare. No-one knows what its like to go through, they refuse to believe it and deny that its true. They make it sound as if this terror doesn't exist. As if it will fade away just like the mist. They don't know what its like to be abused; the torture the pain of being used. DO they really believe what they say they believe? Is equality really what they want to achieve? I know that this isn't somethings that many understand. its a matter of if they want to or if they can. They treat us like animals; predators to prey. they think themselves superior and so they deny us our say. They talk about teamwork, respect and equality whilst denying us love and care...