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Inside my head

Sometimes I think life is like a movie. When you’re upset, you act like life is okay, when you’re mad
you still act like life is okay, when you’re living through something that breaks you, tears you, tortures you inside, you act as if everything is okay. When really it’s not. And the worst place you could possibly be isn’t a place or somewhere you would go physically. It’s somewhere you could get stuck in every day despite where you are. Stuck in your mind with your thoughts as you stare at the ceiling at night as the thoughts inside your head threaten to drive you so far from sanity you think there is no escaping it. You run through memories of what was. The violence you may have endured. The words that scarred you just as deep inside as the actions did. And the pain, the agony of what you once had to live through. You consider the present with the “what ifs” and the “what will be” in the worst way possible. And finally you consider the future. The anxieties that come with it, the fear of a rebound or reoccurrence of what happened before but then comes the feelings. Loneliness, sadness, frustration until you can’t hold it inside anymore and you can’t bear it nor contain it, so you do anything that will take away the pain, even if it means harming the thing that you call you.
That’s what it’s like inside my head.

I wrote this aged 18 years old. 

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